Amerika

by Victoria McMagnus

Idiots are happiest – research confirms. “Reality is the leading cause of stress for those in touch with it,” claims Professor Brainstorm, whose research at the Institute for Self Evident Statistics has made a discovery hailed by politicians as being useful for guiding future social engineering. Idiots know little, if anything, about philosophy, psychology and self-help methods to deal with stress, but their natural carefree irresponsibility and short attention spans may explain why they have been scientifically evaluated as being happier than others.

Office idiots”I’m so happy we’re living in peace, freedom and democracy, and that the future looks fine for humanity” comments one, barely below average IQ, obese man, Joe. He spends most of his time in front of the “idiot box”, and finds that it takes all existential agonies away. The last annoying thing he remembers is earlier that morning when someone “had a go” at him for hanging a bag of his dog’s excrement in a small plastic bag on a tree in the park as is his habit, but he laughs this off. “Weirdos like that should get a life!”

As far as admitting to satisfaction with their lot in life, many intelligent people are also happy – but when it comes down to achieving a level of utter lack of concern, and carefree abandon, the stupider the better. By this measure, the odds of being “happy” increased 5% for every 5 point drop in IQ.

Around the world, low IQ is observed where people most spontaneously start behaving in a mob, singing and dancing or accusing others of being under demonic possession or so on – an occasion for some excitement and drama. They are marked by a lack of inhibition. This is also found in homes for the mentally retarded. Such places contain some of the most joyful people imaginable.

Politicians have taken note of the results of this study and some have suggested that it vindicates poor results in education. Rather than attempting to raise levels of educational achievement in the country, it has been argued that the mass of people will be more satisfied with life if they know less.

The British minister for schools sums up the new policy: “As educational achievement goes down in this country, we can expect to see a sharp rise in public contentment. The CBI has long noted that low skill workers make better corporate slaves the less well educated they are. I propose that we aspire to a society with the kind of carnival culture seen in warmer countries such as my personal favourite, Brazil. And global warming helps bring us closer to this goal.”