Amerika

Some time ago, I announced that owing to the sheer incompetence and malicious stupidity of our leaders, I am running for President in 2012.

Today I’m going to introduce a simplified campaign, explain why you’ll want to vote for me, and show you what life under President Stevens would be like.

I will freely admit the stakes are against me. Other candidates will be more dramatic, probably more physically attractive, and certainly have more money — money they got pandering to entrenched interests and partisan blocs.

All I have is a few ideas:

• Self-sufficiency. We need to be able to grow our own food, manufacture all of our own products, create our own energy and have surpluses of all to export. With current technology applied on the scale only government can, we can do this; if we add to this a growing expertise in robotics, nanotech, renewable energy and cradle-to-grave recycling, we will leave every other economy on earth in the dust.
• Enforce the law. It’s time for law-abiding citizens to stop paying the penalty for those who cannot heed the law. Borrowing from Geert Wilders, we can designate some suburbs and cities as places for those with criminal records — and keep them away from everywhere else. If you steal, rape, rob, use drugs or commit other crimes, you’re soon going to live with a community of your actual peers.
• Stop immigration. We have enough people and enough problems, and each person we let in is less you and I get paid in salary. Let’s stop the Ponzi growth scheme, and focus on producing surplus goods and services instead of selling each other properties based on consumer interest.
• Fix education. Not “No Child Left Behind,” but “Every Child Gets a Chance.” We need competitive education for the 21st century. This means no dumbing down, and highly competitive and rigorous schooling. Our priority should not be to babysit the ineducable, but to produce future leaders. We should focus on the top, not the bottom, of our student population.
• Freeze land use. In the interest of conservation, we need to stop selling previously undeveloped land and instead use what we have. Our inner cities represent trillions of dollars of unexploited wealth; all we have to do is make it cheaper to develop there than in the outer suburbs.
• States rights. We need to allow for competing solutions to our problems. If California wants to legalize drugs, abortion, or make “Ash nazg durbatulûk” the state motto, let them. By the same token, if Texas wants to criminalize those things, let it happen.

That’s it — this is a simplified, achievable version of the platform I presented earlier. The point is to make no promise that cannot be kept, and to focus on a few core issues of great importance instead of wading into the flavor-of-the-day.

I can’t claim to be exciting like Newt Gingrich, improvisational like Barack Obama, scientific and level-headed like Michele Bachmann or as dynamic as Mike Huckabee, but I can promise you a focus on the core issues that determine our future.

We have exhausted ourselves fighting over the dead-end issues of the past, and lost sight of the road ahead. I’d like to join with you to build a new America: leading the world in industry, innovation and healthy living.

Brett Stevens for President 2012: We’ve got a new frontier ahead ^TM.