Amerika

Back in 2005, a troll named “Shaun Goldstein” posted the following satire of Leftism, figuring that what he wrote was too insane to be anything but a parody:

Are you a Marxist Universalist Democrat (M.U.D.)?

Preamble

WE, the Marxist Universalist Democracy Party, understand the importance of freedom in the modern world. We choose to uphold equality and respect for our fellow man. We believe that the individual is the prime focus of any goal, and cherishment of our collective individuality is important in natural balance.

M.U.D. Manifesto

Freedom:

• Measures will be taken to ensure no minority has his or her right trampled upon by the majority.

• Freedom of speech will be held sacred, except for those who wish to use freedom of speech to destroy such freedoms.

• Fascists, Racists, and Bigots will not have the opportunity of freedom of speech. Any violators of hate laws, especially laws breaking anti-Semitism codes, will be beaten, thrown into jail, and have their property confiscated.

• All people have the right to practice whatever religion they so choose, as long as it is deemed inoffensive to minorities.

• There will be a minimum of government interference in the lives of The People.

• Ideas are to be communicated in respectable ways. People must adhere to politeness laws when speaking publicly.

• There will be more freedom in the individuals’ life.

Drugs:

• All drugs will be legalized for public consumption. Because the government will have full control of the economy, the government will be in charge of drug vendors.

• Convicted felons of violent (words can be considered violent) acts involving racial hatred will be forcibly administered ecstasy. Ecstasy is a known empathogen which raises a user’s level of tolerance.

• All people convicted and currently incarcerated of drug charges will be released, regardless of any additional unrelated convictions.

• Welfare programs will ensure the elderly access to prescription drugs. Especially elderly minorities.

Racial Policy:

• The government will grant certain benefits to interracial couples, as part of the Multicultural Initiative.

• Any and all acts of racial injustice will be dealt with by the police with maximum efficiency.

• All history books will have any mention of race erased, except for certain events such as the Holocaust and slavery in America’s history.

• Race is a social construction, and racial homogenization will be required to destroy the very abstract and false notion of race/ethnicity. If we are all the same color then racism cannot exist.

• Affirmative Action programs will be implemented to ensure an equal number of minorities participate in various government run programs (such as jobs).

Social Policy:

• Health care will be for all citizens, save felons and the previously wealthy.

• We will create a pluralistic society that is based on subjectivity and freedom.

• The individual will be the highest point of focus.

• While we respect the woman’s right to choose, abortion might be necessary in culling an excess of one racial group. This is to prevent an elite class of a certain race from emerging.

• Marriage between any members of any race, creed, or genders will be allowed. Special benefits will go to homosexual couples previously discriminated against by the prior capitalist regime.

• All victims of hate crimes will be given reparations as a gesture of the M.U.D.s humanity.

• Guns will be banned. There will be no need for them as revolution under our revolutionary government can only be started by the racist factional groups seeking dominance. Criminals will also have no access to guns, so crime will be nonexistent.

• All people will participate in the democratic system. Racists, not being human, will be expelled.

Democracy will be put into the hands of the people and the nation of Earth will directly elect a president of Earth.

The Economy:

• The Government and The People will be fully inseperable. This allows for a complete nationalisation of the economy.

• All people, being equals having equally important functions in society, will earn the same amount of pay.

• Pay will be in the form of cattle, chickens, grain, and berries. Money will be abolished as it directly leads to a capitalist system.

• As there will be no borders after the simultaneous worldwide revolution, the value of the various items of barter (such as chickens) will retain a constant value in every sector of land.

Animal Rights:

• Animals must be treated with upmost respect, even those that are meant for feeding. Anyone found disrespecting an animal’s right to a humane existence will be branded a bigot and the courts will proceed as normal.

• Certain species of animals with proven higher cognitive abilities will not be exempt from the democratic process. Chimpanzees and Dolphins are two such animals; Bonobos are primarily in mind because they form natural Marxist communities.

• Animals may be killed for the only purpose of consumption.

• Vegetarianism will be government sponsored and vegetarians will recieve extra benefits in berries.

Education:

• Education will be open to all individuals, regardless of age, sex, or any other personal attribute.

• All pictures of people in school text books will be of minorities. This is to counterreact the racist notion of Whites being the only achievers in the arts and sciences.

• Homosexuality will be introduced to children at a young age to ensure normalization.

• Personal skills classes will be compulsory for all elementary school children. These classes will introduce concepts in speaking to other humans that minimize conflict and impoliteness.

• The following books will be banned from High School libraries: The Turner Diaries, Mein Kampf, Nineteen Eighty-Four, The Wealth of Nations, Industrial Society and Its Future, and The Antichrist.

• Children will be introduced to highly imaginative art such as abstract art at an early age.

• Philosophy will be a compulsory course. Students will be expected to understand the concept of the categorical imperative upon completion. Naturally, works by Nietzsche, Ayn Rand, and Plato will be verboten.

Globalization:

• A worldwide revolution will occur to amalgamate the planet into one nation: Earth.

• All borders will be opened and all suburbs will be populated by asylum seekers. This is the opposite of “white flight.”

• A Racial Homogenization program will be started to ensure equality in all sectors (formerly known as regions).

• There will be funding for technology with the purpose of searching for extraterrestrial lifeforms. Once contact is made, attempts to institute intergalatic Communism will take place under the unlikely occurance of it not happening already.

Punishment:

• All felons (those convicted of violating hate codes) will be forced to work into internment camps with 15 hour work days and in maximum security facilities.

• Rehabilitiation will be more important than punishment, still. Ecstasy will be given to violent offenders of hate crimes and mandatory reeducation classes utilizing negative reinforcement will be used.

• There will be much less crime in a tolerant world.

• Those convicted of anti-Semitism and Holocaust denial will be extradited to the world capital of Tel-Aviv for punishment.

Arms, Military, Militia:

• There will be a large military compromised of a few billion people. The main focus is to quell any intolerant militia groups from popping up. We need to stamp them out or else we’ll have another Hitler.

• A secondary purpose will be to defend the nation of Earth from any extraterrestrial attacks.

Conclusion

People and fellow humans, realize this: as long as we are unequal, we cannot be friends. Vote Marxist Universalist Democracy Party in your next election.

It would be hard to spot substantial differences between this Jolt Cola and marijuana-fueled mockery and the current policies of the European Union, the opinions of Hillary Clinton voters, or the witty opinions expressed by celebrities or late-night comedians.

There interesting thing is that not much deviated from the standard Leftist ideas of 1789 or even the peasant revolts of the 1500. This hyperbolic satire merely turned them all up to eleven, revealing the insanity that has always been lurking behind Leftist opinions but only now is becoming visible.

Tags: leftism, liberalism, satire, shaun goldsteni