Amerika

When you shop for your loved ones this year, get them practical gifts that are both fun and prepare them for adult life in these times. We’ve put together a gift buying guide so you don’t have to feel helpless when gifting today’s youth.

Practice Birth Control Pills
Ages 6-11

These tiny candy pills resemble something your daughter will be getting to know sooner than later. With most girls sexually active by 12, and reaching the 25 partner point sometime by age 17, she’ll need to develop a routine of taking the right pill nightly. These brightly colored pure cane sugar pills will give her a little reward at the end of each day, and build that all-important habit of staying sterile. She’ll also feel like she’s becoming a woman when she, too, can take the pills her mother and older sisters live by. $24 for 12 monthly packs, comes with fake Planned Parenthood advice sheet.

Make-Work Desk
Ages 8-14

With good jobs few and far between, and our currency all but worthless (and falling fast), your precious amotivated snowflake is most likely going to end up in an entry-level job for most of his or her life. That is, if they don’t get hooked on drugs and become permanent food service employees. You can develop good habits with our Make-Work Desk, which both delights youngsters and teaches them early to look busy and if they’re not busy, to invent something good. Realistic reference manuals, a multi-line phone, drawers to clean and our handy 1.2mhz “Crashing Again” computer will show them how to always look busy, even when they like their coworkers put in 15 minutes of work a day and spend the rest of time in meetings, on the phone, or self-stimulating. $149, with Crashing Again computer $249

Young Partier DUI Field Test Practice Kit
Ages 6-12

With the way they grow up these days, it’s only a few more years before your child will drink to excess — and drive home. Why not start them early on dodging the cops? This easy home kit lets you set up a DUI (“Drunk Driving”) Field Test just like the cops do at the roadblocks. See how many drinks your youngster can down while practicing the alphabet backwards, walking a straight line, touching her nose with eyes closed and stepping through the complex patterns that law enforcement officers use to test for drunkenness. This makes drunk driving not only fun, but potentially saves your child thousands of dollars yearly that could be spent on hookers and blow. $39, additional breath mints $2

Sing-A-Long Excuses CD
Ages 4-21

If your civilization is dying, only the real losers take it at face value. Whether at school, on the job, in front of a Congressional investigation, or simply trying to dodge all the losers, fakes, parasites and jerks they’ll meet on a daily basis, your child needs to learn to sing like a bird — sing out lies, excuses, deflections and evasions, that is! Our long-playing CD sets common verbal gambits to song to make these classic excuses easy to remember, and to help children someday invent their own variants for whatever responsibilities they have to dodge. Children glow as they sing along with our mournful blues ballad, “Doctor Says I Ain’t So Well Today,” and they really come alive for the reggae-themed “No One Told Me (This Was My Job)” as well as the heavy metal ripper “Can’t Talk Now, Have an Organ Transplant.” If you start them out early with this informative and catchy CD, you’ll make winners in our future goes nowhere economy. $12