Amerika

Meeting in Geneva, representatives from the two hundred races and thirty thousand genders of Earth came together to adopt a new plan for the future. Instead of juggling disasters and putting out fires to keep our ruined species together, they have a bold new plan with a catchy name: “Get Our Sh*t Together.”

“It’s clear humanity does not have its sh*t together,” said WEF administrative director Curso Izquierda. “Reproduction rates have fallen, IQs are falling, everyone is neurotic, everything is ugly, nothing works, corruption is rising, and people still listen to deathcore. We have got to get our sh*t together.”

United Nations general manager Alabar al-Magister echoed the call. “If we had our sh*t together, we would not have constant riots, bad leaders, garbage seed oil carb-sugar food, television series that turn to faeces in the second season, committees running everything, and mass neurosis,” he said.

Joining the group via Zoom call from Tibet, RAND consultant Grita Aldiablo added her two cents. “A successful species would not be wracked by constant infighting over the same issues using methods established by precedent that do not work, expecting different results this time.”

Scientists tend to agree. At Rutgers University, biologist Mensajera DeLamuerte boiled down the problem. “Species with low mutation load adapt to their environments by eliminating deleterious mutations and breeding more of advantageous traits. We have done the opposite.”

She continued. “If we look at humanity as if it were a species of, say, super-intelligent mice, we would see quickly the problem. There are too many of them and most of them have lots of deleterious mutations which going to jobs and Walmart did not filter out, so most of the species is of low biological quality.”

Izquierda used the biological metaphor as a centerpiece in his speech, “What Is It To Have Our Sh*t Together?” to the Davos supergroup. In it, he pointed out that if a colony of groundhogs had a population proportionate to ours, it would take over all of Texas and be sickly.

“Healthy organisms develop a functional order where the most functional thrive. Humanity has produced a sprawl of heat island cities which emit non-stop pollution in which they marinate their population, who live unhealthy pointless lives with jobs they hate, shopping for inferior products, and junk food,” he said.

As part of the “Get Our Sh*t Together” plan, the newly-elected members of these international boards suggested a platform that they say is both pure common sense — and socially unacceptable to mention in mixed company:

• No immigration. Stop obligating nations to take anyone who sets foot in their country and let them repatriate anyone without a job.
• No free stuff. Taxes, regulations, unions, affirmative action, and lawsuits generate costs which are passed directly to the consumer, making normal life unaffordable.
• End fiat currency. According to the study writers, this encourages overspending by governments which subsidizes people who cannot adapt to reality.
• Criminalize divorce. Making marriage for life encourages double-parent families, which halves the workforce and raises wages.
• Decriminalize drugs. We have too many people, so let them enjoy whatever they want and incinerate them if they overdose.
• Assisted suicide. So many people are insane, directionless, depressed, or sociopaths that we should encourage them to move on.
• Break up monopolies. High taxes, regulations, unions, affirmation action, and lawsuits make it impossible for markets to correct themselves.
• Break up cities. Big cities encourage anonymous living, pollution, graffiti, crime, and corruption, so rely on smaller far-spaced cities instead.
• Stop foreign aid. Subsidies allow nations and people to continue living in maladapted ways.

“With these combined changes, humanity has a chance of getting its sh*t together,” said Izquierda. “None of our lives are really worth living because they are both boring and serve no goal. If humanity removes its bad behaviors, it can have a goal again.”

DeLamuerte expressed concern for the biological health of humanity. “Organisms which do not feel safe, which includes having a sense of purpose, tend to self-destruct. That seems to be what we are seeing in Mouse Utopia, oops, I mean, the status quo, but luckily we can correct it.”

Tags: humanity, tomfoolery, UN, WEF