Amerika

The story of George Sodini is sad but fascinating.  I agree that memoirs and personal diaries of the supposedly deranged should not be removed from the web (as was done by Mr. Sodini’s web host) simply because he ended up randomly killing a bunch of people.  He lived his life in silent torture, cursing the world around him, yet still able to muster up good social graces, a good job, and maintain an appearance of calm servitude to the society around him.  Kind of like Patrick Bateman in American Psycho, actually, when you read the whole thing – particularly the ending.

May 4, 2009:
I was so eager to do this last year. The big problem on my mind now is that my job will end soon. One project is being transistioned to another. The other one I am solely responsible, but is being fast tracked to production. I estimate maybe a month. I am not ready for the job market. I am ok what I do, a .NET software developer. Not at the top of the class, but I do a good job. I survived two general layoffs and other little layoffs they are having but keeping quiet about. I hear things.

The problem is I feel too good now to do this but too bad to enjoy life. I know I will never enjoy life. This is an over 30 year trend. Some people are happy, some are miserable. It is difficult to live almost continuously feeling an undercurrent of fear, worry, discontentment and helplessness. I can talk and joke around and sound happy but under it all is something different that seems unchangable and a permanent part of my being. I need to realize the details of what I never accomplished in life and to be convinced the future is merely a continuation of the past – WHICH IT ALWAYS has been. I am making a list of items that will provide motivation to do the exit plan, it won’t be published. I always had hope that maybe things will improve especially if I make big attempts to change my life. I made many big changes in the past two years but everything is still the same. Life is over. Even though I look good, dress well, well groomed – nails, teeth, hair, etc. Who knows.

His own words say to spread the word and that this can be re-published freely. And for those of you who don’t know, Sodini is the guy who gunned down a bunch of people at a Pittsburgh-area gym on August 4th, 2009.  Of course, the mainstream news sites won’t report much about this journal because they don’t want to bring attention to the fact that our society is sick, valueless, and cultureless; that we’re nothing more than oversocialized beasts who would sell our own mothers down the river for a little money, and that people like George Sodini may not do what they do if our values as a society were different.

July 20, 2009:
Been a long time since last write. Everything still sucks. But I got a promotion and a raise, even in this shitty Obama ecomomy. No more grunt programming. Go figure! New boss is great. He tactfully says when you did something wrong or complements on good things. Never confused with him. But that is NOT what I want in life. I guess some of us were simply meant to walk a lonely path. I have slept alone for over 20 years. Last time I slept all night with a girlfriend it was 1982. Proof I am a total malfunction. Girls and women don’t even give me a second look ANYWHERE. There is something BLATANTLY wrong with me that NO goddam person will tell me what it is. Every person just wants to be fucking nice and say nice things to me. Flattery. Oh yeah, I am sure you can get a date anytime. You look good, etc. Pussies.
Awwww, wait. I can just start being self-righteous and say I live a good, clean life. I am holy, that’s all Rick Knapp stuff. Hear that you mother fucker: I Am Just Good!

 
I wouldn’t want my wife in that gym, and I would have shot Sodini dead had I seen him.  Our values are also against this modern world; however, he makes some good points.  We live accordingly with an eye toward making the world a better place, and maybe even making our mark on civilization in the future such that it becomes better.  But even if we simply produce one or two children who aim to do the same thing, that’s fine with us.

December 29, 2008:
Just got back from tanning, been doing this for a while. No gym today, my elbow is sore again. I actually look good. I dress good, am clean-shaven, bathe, touch of cologne – yet 30 million women rejected me – over an 18 or 25-year period. That is how I see it. Thirty million is my rough guesstimate of how many desirable single women there are. A man needs a woman for confidence. He gets a boost on the job, career, with other men, and everywhere else when he knows inside he has someone to spend the night with and who is also a friend. This type of life I see is a closed world with me specifically and totally excluded. Every other guy does this successfully to a degree. Flying solo for many years is a destroyer. Yet many people say I am easy to get along with, etc. Looking back, I owe nothing to desirable females who ask for anything, except for basic courtesy – usually. Looking back over everything, what bothers me most is the inability to work towards whatever change I choose.

Sodini was a confused creature, apparently believing that getting laid was going to solve the “problem” of being worth $250K with no one to share it with.  Had he entered into a relationship with a woman and been unhappy after a few months, maybe he wouldn’t have engaged in a massive rampage on an unsuspecting gym, but only become what he despised in the first place:  a guy with money but nothing of real value, in a dead end relationship, thinking falsely that someone to come home to every night – no matter who – was going to make him happy.

Miscellaneous:
1. Probably 99% of the people who know me well don’t even think I was this crazy. Told by at least 100 girls/women over the years I was a “nice guy”. Not kidding.

2. Lee Ann Valdiserri had my baby in early 1991. Haven’t seen her since she was about four months into it. I knew her sister, Chris, from high school.

3. Net worth slightly more than $250K, (after all debt) as of end of 2008.

4. Death Lives!

[+|Sodini’s Diary]

Tags: consumerism, liberalism, passive aggression